Jim Bakker – you remember him! From puppet show, to 700 club to PTL Ministries to Heratage USA. Jim and Tammy Fey Bakker raked in the bucks. Then something happened. Scandal, Jessica Haun, divorce and disgrace. Even prison.
But you can’t keep a good profit (or prophet) down.
After all, Jim hears the voice of God when he’s alone or even in the bathtub!
Now Jim is back and he’s here to sell you prepper food!
Let that sink in for a moment. Jim Bakker is trying to sell freeze dried prepper food to people who don’t make the rapture.
I mean really! Jim Bakker has always been a ballsy con man. Ready to say and do whatever it take to get his marks to send in the bucks. For Jesus you understand! And his lifestyle and don’t forget the air conditioned dog houses..
But here’s something that will be very useful in the dark days when the dogs AC runs out of power. Jim Bakker prepper food! How is this different than any prepper food you can buy at your local Costco?
It’s the same stuff. It’s got the same shelf life and it’s in the same plastic buckets (which can be used for percussion instruments OR for poop.) Some emphasis on the “or.”
Oh but this prepper food is very special! It’s because JIM himself endorses and blesses it, sneezes over it and uses it for living room furniture (I’m not making that up.) You can’t have enough anointed prepper food around your house! Let’s see what’s inside.
Jim’s 76th Birthday 50 Day Sampler Bucket
Menu Item Servings
buttermilk Pancakes 6
Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal 10
Chocolate Pudding 5
Whey Milk 20
Creamy Chicken & Rice 8
Hearty Vegetable Chicken 8
Creamy Potato Soup 8
Creamy Stroganoff 8
Fettuccine Alfredo 8
Italiano Marinara 4
Black Bean Burger 6
Chicken Noodle Soup 4
Corn Chowder 4
Macaroni Elbows 15
Cheese Powder 15
Banana Chips 8
Instant White Rice 10
Instant Mashed Potatoes 7.5
Mmmm Mm! I’ve seen the Apocalypse and it’s going to be TASTY!
“You can have parties!” chortles Bakker. “Eat like a king! When the world is falling apart!” “It’s going to be more valuable than gold!” For only $2000 you can stock up on eight years of this stuff (which has an eight year shelf-life.) I suppose that’s a good thing if there’s an apocalypse! I’m not sure what you would do with it after eight years though.
Jim says you should make sure you get a collapsible shovel, to mix the ingredients (I’m not making that up ether) He actually does this with a butload of rice in a large shitcan. (Oh – perhaps I shouldn’t use the term “butload” in regards to food-prep. My bad! ) Better yet, get two shovels, use one for (you know!) and the other to mix your prepper food. Just don’t mix the shovels up!
“It’s – so – good!” exclaimed Jim Bakker.
Well – not so much. Chef Greg Lauro analysed the food and his assessment? “This is basically just garbage, “he says. ” if the end of the world happens you might as well die in a ditch rather than eat this stuff! Also if you have any soy or wheat allergies you’re just out of luck.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2A5csyMfw0
Whoah! I had no idea that God favored those who were not Celiac. But holy survival rations that don’t even taste good? Noxious Manna? Jim! How could you?
I mean really! If your are going to sell prepper food to the damned in your congregation. So that they can live like (comparative) kings while the tribulation takes place all around them. Can’t they at least be GOOD prepper food?
On the other hand – they happen to be sinners. Why not sell them shit food. Jim’s sold them shit-condos and shit salvation.
Be good Funseekers!
