I was in a conference with the staff here at the Odd Empire and the topic of Scientology came up as it often does. It was the usual thing, Scientology fair gamed this person or that, it’s involved in some money making scam.
“Why do we keep getting all this negativity about Scientology?” I asked. There must be some redeeming qualities to it, otherwise how could, what 60,000 people be so worked up about?
“10 million Boss,” said Leo Shyster’s larger brother, “that’s what they claim.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Oh I watched the vids,” he said. ” Scientology has it’s own video channel. It’s some pretty lulzy stuff, you should take a look! ”
Lulzy hmmm? Leo’s larger brother has been using some strange terms of late. But I payed it no mind and took a gander at the Scientology videos last night. Around 80 of them!
My friends, I must say that I’m a brand new alien because of it! Those videos convinced me! I believe now! Scientology is a religion! It’s tenants are compatible with all other religion and it is in fact the only workable religious philosophy in the history of the human race. Only the discovery of fire compares with the self evident truths contained in Scientology. Sure it’s expensive! But that only shows how valuable it is. The cost of Scientology is only a fraction of what it costs the Church of Scientology to bring it to you. Look at all the buildings they have to buy, and the lawyers, the clerical people, the folks who are tasked with protecting stable tech from the sinister forces of psychology. Those dark- evil psychiatrists who plot in dingy smoke filled rooms the downfall of you and I. Vile monsters who dream of pushing people further into the mud as they hook victims up to their disgusting shock machines, NO MERCY FOR THEM!
But Scientology helps billions of people every day! When you enjoy a cup of coffee? You have Scientology to thank for it. Someone in Colombia must have read The Way to Happiness, burned down his Coca plantation and planted healthy coffee trees instead.
If there is a disaster, you KNOW that only the Scientology Volunteer Ministers, the largest independent disaster aid organization are the ONLY people who can help. How about Criminon? The only true technology that can get people away from crime. Narcanon is the only way to get people off of drugs. In fact if you have not joined Narcanon, it’s almost certain you have a bad drug habit! Don’t think! Join now!
And the Way to Happiness! How could I possible thank LRH for this precious gift of truths! Like number nine; “Don’t do anything illegal.” or number eight, “Do not Murder.” Each time I meditate on these precious-precious truths I tingle all over! No one in the history of the world has ever codified such philosophical truths as contained in the Way to Happiness. For that monumental opus alone, LRH would take his place along side other great men whose names escape me right now. But LRH left his legacy in the Church of Scientology, truly the most ethical religion on Earth, 10 billion strong! Or is it 10 million?
I’ll have to find my crack technoflunkie and begin dismantlement this evil Odd Empire right away to begin telling the world what is true for me,
for what is true for me must be true for you…or something like that!